This One Time, At Church Camp

Mama grew up Catholic; Daddy, a Baptist. When they married, Mama made it clear she wasn’t stepping foot in a Baptist Church. Daddy was hell-bent and determined he wasn’t converting to Catholicism so between the two, they settled on the Methodist Church – The United Methodist Church. They joined the one named for Main Street,…

The Worst Job Ever

The Kid came home from a four day trip to Washington DC this morning. As a souvenir, she brought me back what she called a “gag gift;” a button that reads “Trust me…I’m a reporter.” The gift did the trick. It made me gag… It takes a really bad job to be able to appreciate…

Why I’m Never Getting Married Again

I found my breastfeeding gown today. It was buried under old night-time clothes in the bottom of a rarely opened drawer. I haven’t breastfed since the year 2000 so I am not really sure why I still have it. But having my 13 year old breastfeeding gown is not the reason I will never get…

The Walgreens Debacle

Late March, early April is one of my most favorite times of the year. I always anticipate the numerous trips to various greenhouses and garden supply stores. The annual essentials include hanging Boston ferns for the front porch, Kimberly queen ferns for the urns that flank either side of the front door, fire ant killer,…

Pinocchio: The 5th Grade Sex Goddess

I’m jealous of the girls who get their body issues from normal places like magazines, television shows, and from watching 85 lb. models saunter down the runway. I got mine from 5th grade. I was in Mrs. Chamberlain’s class. Mrs. Chamberlain bit her fingernails and the tips of her fingers were always stained from where…

The Boyfriend’s Girlfriend

I’ve suspected for quite some time that The Boyfriend had another girlfriend. They say one of the tell-tale signs is when he starts talking more about this random girl who you haven’t heard much about before. It began not long after Christmas. He subtly began mentioning this girl, whose name sounded vaguely familiar. I paid…

Imperfectly Perfect

I knew I’d never be the perfect mother from the day the doctors discharged me with my brand new 7 lb. 11 oz. bundle. She smelled like a mixture of Dreft and that sweet, perfect thing that babies smell like. It was raining and I worried on the car ride home that the sound of…