The Boyfriend’s Girlfriend

I’ve suspected for quite some time that The Boyfriend had another girlfriend. They say one of the tell-tale signs is when he starts talking more about this random girl who you haven’t heard much about before. It began not long after Christmas. He subtly began mentioning this girl, whose name sounded vaguely familiar. I paid it very little attention at the time but it gradually became more frequent and naturally I became more suspicious. I began listening a little harder when he would mention her but still gave it little energy. But then February rolled around and BAM! She moved in with him.

Much to my surprise, his younger sister introduced the two of them. She essentially set them up.

The new woman arrived at The Boyfriend’s home, probably mid-afternoon, during the middle of the month. She was dressed in white bikini bottoms (nothing up top) which was silly because in Massachusetts in mid-February there was at least still snow on the ground, if not snow still falling from the sky. She did wear a hooded coat, lined with some type of faux fur, but she wore it open in the front so it’s not like the thing was keeping her warm. A good portion of her natural DDs were exposed. I imagine as soon as she arrived he took her straight to the bedroom. I do not know this for sure. I can only speculate.

But I’m not an idiot.

In fairness to The Boyfriend’s sister, I don’t think she realized when she gifted him a Sports Illustrated subscription that her big brother would fall in love with the 2013 swimsuit edition’s cover model. How was she supposed to know Kate Upton? After all, The Boyfriend is a sports nut. From baseball and golf to football and hockey, he loves it all. It would have been the perfect gift but then the infamous February edition had to go and mess it all up.

I know what you are thinking.

“Lesley is a tad jealous over The Boyfriend’s slight obsession with Kate Upton.”

I get it. I can totally understand where that line of thinking might be justified. Kate is blonde and absolutely gorgeous. She has an amazing body, perfect boobs, and fits the girl next door persona to a T. She’s the perfect catch. But Kate’s many, many virtues are not the problem at all, nor is the fact that The Boyfriend fawns over all of them. In fact, the problem only began last month when some jackass reported that Kate was seen in a Miami nightclub canoodling with P-Diddy, aka Puff Daddy, aka Sean Combs.

My God, what did they do that for?

Could they have not at least kept it a secret from The Boyfriend?

“But I don’t even know any of his music,” The Boyfriend says. “I wouldn’t know his music if you played it for me right now. Who is this guy? Isn’t he the one who was with J-Lo? He really gets around, huh? What a douche bag.”

The Boyfriend is devastated. He’s absolutely beside himself and that only makes life harder for me. Things were rosy when it was just Kate and The Boyfriend but some nosey asshole had to go and throw Diddy in the mix. Now The Boyfriend is threatening to throw his coveted swimsuit edition in the trash. He says he no longer has any desire for Kate. And nearly every conversation we’ve had since he heard the news, he’s asking me “why,” with utter disappointment in his voice.

It is heartbreaking.

I’ve tried telling him that both Kate and P-Diddy have denied the claims that they are an item and that he can’t believe everything he reads on the Internet. Nonetheless, The Boyfriend refuses to believe that it’s not true. I’m not sure what else to do.

Dear beautiful Kate,

Thank you for the month and a half that you spent with The Boyfriend. I think he really liked your white bikini bottoms and the matching white bikini top that you didn’t wear. During your short time with The Boyfriend, I am sure you made many dreams come true. Thank you for that. You made him a happy man. He enjoyed your many video compilations on YouTube and watched your Cat Daddy video repeatedly. He even came to your defense, vigorously, when the critics were calling you fat. The Boyfriend just did not sanction that (he’s a good man).

While I have the tendency to dismiss the claims that you and P-Diddy were smooching in Miami, The Boyfriend is convinced it’s true. So if this is true, Kate, for his peace of mind and my sanity I implore you to call it quits with Sean P- Puffy Diddy Daddy Combs. Make The Boyfriend’s heart whole again. Come back into his life. I beg you!

The Boyfriend is much more handsome, has a rocking body like you, and he is hilarious. He has a heart of gold and he will go out of his way to make sure you are cared for. He’ll do anything and everything in his power to make you the happiest woman alive. Plus, when he’s drinking, he’s been known to conjure up a rap or two. I’m not saying they are good raps, but they are certainly better than Diddy’s.

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