Dear man riding a moped down East Cambridge on Thursday wielding a running weed eater in the air,
I have seen some crazy shit in my lowly 30 years on this planet. I’ve seen a vagina grow to the size of an arcade basketball, a two-year-old smoke pot on YouTube, and just this morning I woke up to find that my young daughter has decided that she no longer wishes to be of English/Portuguese descent but rather of Indian descent. For, my sweet child has fashioned her very own bindi from a pink stick-on rhinestone which she wore last night as she slept. What I have not seen however, is a man riding a moped while wielding a running weed eater in the air.
That was until yesterday morning at approximately 11:06 a.m.
I was turning left onto East Cambridge from the red light at Cokesbury Street, the Lil’Crackit on my right. You were across the street, just in front of the Mexican Rental Center, traveling west toward Seaboard Avenue. I was about to pee in my pants and on my way to my mother’s office since it was the closest place with facilities sanitary enough for me to use. Surprisingly, you were excitedly riding a moped while balancing a weed eater in the air. Even more surprising was that your weed eater was running.
Now some people might have seen you on Thursday and thought there was some sort of neurological instability there. I have a different opinion. I assume a great deal from here on out so bear with me.
Considering the part of town you were in combined with your slender build and your chiseled-like facial features, I’m a assuming that you are a crackhead, which in my opinion is much better than being a meth head. So I am not judging.
Now, I’ve never smoked crack but I’ve seen the film “Crackheads Gone Wild.” From what I gather crackheads are fairly talented people. The movie “Crackheads Gone Wild” features dancing crack heads, singing crack heads, and tumbling crackheads. The movie even alludes to the fact that crack heads give great fellatio, most of the time to get more crack. I assume that crackheads are more orally inclined because most veteran crackheads have no teeth in their mouth to screw things up. However, one thing I did not see in “Crackheads Gone Wild” was a crackhead riding a moped while balancing a running weed eater in the air. That, my friend, is an act far more talented that any toothless crackhead could ever perform, if you ask me.
But I digress.
I’m not sure where you came from or where you were headed on your journey. Maybe you were travelling to Taggart, Carolina, or Mineral to get more crack. Maybe you have also been impacted by the trickling economy of late and planned on tidying up your crack dealer’s front lawn with the weed eater in exchange for a rock.
I like you, man on a moped wielding a running weed eater in the air, so I am going to assume just that; that you were going to do a little landscaping so you could get high. Maybe you chose to landscape because you still have all of your teeth and were worried that your fellatio might not be up to par. Nevertheless, I would like to assume you chose landscaping over fellatio because you have morals.
In closing, I ask that you forgive me if I am way off base with my crackhead speculations. You see, I consider myself morally flexible since I have a penchant for stereotyping. If my speculations about you being a crackhead and landscaping for rock are correct this means that a crackhead can have more morals than a working white girl who says her prayers every night and hasn’t had a drug in her body since that guy slipped something in my carrot cake shot four years ago at the Fox and the Hound.
Anyway, man on a moped who I still think is a crackhead, thanks for the opportunity to analyze your possible motives, for allowing me to see something I’ll probably never see again for the rest of my life, and for giving me something to write about this morning other than hotdog plate benefits, and lost Yorkie-Poos.
Very best wishes to you,