This blog has already established that I’m not as cool as I used to be. This blog has also established that there are a lot of things I know absolutely nothing about (including the correct placement of commas), but as ignorant as I am, I know one thing for sure. I know exactly what a “vagazzle” is and today I saw my very first one.
It all happened innocently enough with an unknowing character who simply needed a quick iPhone charge.
“Mind if I plug into your Mac for a quick charge?” the unknowing character asks.
“No problem,” I reply.
And then it happened. I plug the phone in, iPhoto opens and this unknowing character’s complete photo library pops up on my screen. The vagazzle pictures are front and center.
I panicked at first. I didn’t want to embarrass the unknowing character. I was relieved when I realized this person had no clue what had just occurred and had walked off to tend to other matters. Then I hesitated, shrinking iPhoto to my task menu and opening it again. This went on for a solid two minutes. “Should I look?” “I shouldn’t look.” “I HAVE to look!”
And so I did. It was like Victoria Secret’s million-dollar bra slapped right on top of a vagina. It was incredible. While I only looked briefly, I saw enough to be quite intrigued but to also have some pretty serious questions. Like, how do you even get vagazzled? Who actually performs the art of vagazzling? It’s almost like nail art on the vagina. Can I walk into the local Vietnamese run nail salon and ask for vagina sparkles? Will my hair dresser glam up my clam or do I have to see my esthetician? And how do you even ask for the service? “Hey can you take the blah out of my who-ha? Put some spice back into my slice?” Furthermore, after a vagazzling, how long does the sparkle last? Is it a one night thing where you go home to your significant other and say “Honey, it’s time for our weekly tryst. Let’s hurry while my gash is glistening.” Or do they attach the crystals with some sort of medical grade adhesive that lasts through a few showers?
While I still have so many questions, I am pretty excited that I got to see my first vagazzled va-jay-jay today without a Google image search. I mean, how many people can say that? I’m also pretty excited with all of the words I came up with for vaginas while writing this. But that’s beside the point. Even as open minded as I am and as confident as I like to believe I am, I just don’t think I could walk into a place of business and ask them to decorate my oval office. I like to think I have lavish lady bits without the added twinkle. No need for bling on this box but, hey girl, I sure enjoyed looking at yours.