You Can’t Masturbate With Short Arms

Facebook was all a-buzz yesterday, locally at least, after a (sort-of) local pastor shared a blog post he’d written several years back about masturbation. The Pastor, Perry Noble, of the multi-campus mega church New Spring, which spans several South Carolina counties including Greenwood, shared his masturbation blog on his personal Facebook page, leading both followers and cynics of the church to click the share button and opine. If you are too hesitant (or just too lazy) to click the link, the blog goes something like this:

Masturbation is gross and makes Pastor Noble want to throw up. Masturbation is a BIG deal – if you are a lady. If you are a guy and you masturbate, you are a loser. And masturbation is a sin – even though the Bible never references it as a sin…because something about a car?

In the post, Pastor Noble talks about the sinner’s struggle with lust, porn, and adultery and in a nut shell equates all of those things to masturbation. Noble parallels masturbation with sin, explaining that in order to masturbate one must lust. Therefore, guys, if you are buttering the corn (or the biscuit, ladies) you are sinning.

Most people who masturbate do so with porn. Most people who masturbate are not thinking about their betrothed. All people who masturbate are playing God.

And my personal favorite –
“It’s not God’s will for you to do that crap.”

Basically, what Pastor Noble is telling us is that by masturbating we are gratifying (or denying) our own flesh. And according to this same logic we should probably avoid a hot stone massage when our backs ache, or that slice of tiramisu after dinner. It would also mean that air conditioning and hot showers are out of the question, simply because they feel good. But Pastor Noble would tell you I am silly for suggesting such things. So why then can’t we whip out a batch by ourselves every once in a while?

I don’t know about you but the best sex I’ve ever had has been with myself. I know my body like no one else does and I happen to believe it’s healthy to polish the pearl on occasion. I also don’t need porn to do it. Pastor Noble will tell you 95% of pornography leads to masturbation (Well, DUH!). What he does not tell you is that 95% of masturbation does not originate with porn.

Noble also insists that in order to masturbate we must lust after someone who isn’t our husband or our wife. I’ve never really had a thing for rubbing one out to a centerfold of a shirtless Brian Austin Green. I’d much rather fantasize about the person who knows what buttons I like pushed and when.

And for Noble to suggest that masturbating is playing God is ludicrous. After all, the same can be said for stepping on an ant on your walk home to salute the general. No lives are being lost, Pastor. No one is really choking a chicken.

Here’s the thing. God wants us to have fulfilling sexual relationships with our husbands and our wives. If God’s only intention for sex was procreation, he wouldn’t have made it feel so damn good. But in order for us to have fulfilling sexual relationships with our spouses, we must be comfortable with our own bodies and in my experience masturbation is the best way to achieve this. How will my husband know what I enjoy if I don’t even know?

In the end, regardless of how many cool light shows and pop music songs turned gospel songs Noble crams into a Sunday sermon, he will never be able to convince me that playing Uno makes me or you or him a heretic. The fact is, most people who masturbate aren’t doing it because of some weird Asian anime porn addiction or because they are trying their hand at playing God (no pun intended). People who masturbate are doing so because they ate the last piece of tiramisu after dinner the night before.

And if it wasn’t God’s will for us to give ourselves a low five every now and then, wouldn’t he have made our arms shorter?

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